What I'm Reading: Deep Conversion / Deep Prayer
Thomas Dubay on happy families, and other things
We often hear that the devil is in the details. One of my Scripture professors told our class that love is in the details. If you give someone a gift, unwrapped, actually still in the plastic grocery bag (with the reciept, because you carelessly didn’t remove it), that’s tacky. If you wrap it in nice paper, put a bow on it, and deliver it with a smile, that communicates love much better.
Thomas Dubay’s Deep Conversion / Deep Prayer is about loving God (and neighbor) in all the details. Many people, he contends, convert from a bad life to a good life, but then most of them stagnate. Not many are willing to convert from a good life to a better life, to the best kind of life. This book is part exhortation, part guide for converting from good to better to best. If you’re looking for a spiritual kick in the pants, this is a good one. It’s not too long, and the reading level is not difficult (although the content may be).
Something I have always appreciated about Dubay is his insistence that God calls everyone to the heights of holiness. This may sound surprising, because it seems that great saints are few and ordinary Catholics are many. Dubay agrees with this data; he says great saints are few, not because few are called, but because few respond fully to God’s call. You and I, too, are called and can respond fully, if we choose. Dubay exhorts his readers to foster a life of deep prayer alongside deep conversion, not settling for stagnation in our usual venial sins.
The title of the book indicates Dubay’s belief that deep conversion and deep prayer go together. Prayer is conversation with God, and our actions express our love for God (often through our love for our neighbor). As we purge even little sins out of our lives, our prayer life will grow in intimacy; as our time with God becomes more intimate, we will be more motivated to act with purer love. When we confess our venial sins, do we really make an effort to quit committing them? If it seems like an impossible task, do we ask God for help?
Dubay notes that problems in any community, whether a marriage/family, a consecrated religious community, or whatever, comes from people not living their vocation well. Responding to the idea that marriage is necessarily terrible, Dubay writes:
…marriage and priesthood and religious life are blessed vocations when the men and women concerned are deeply converted and enjoy profound intimacy with the Trinity. They are incomparably happier than those who are not. There is no bickering among them, no grudges, no scandals, no battles, pysical or verbal. Major sins and minor pettinesses, cold silence and pouting disappear. When spouses disagree with each other, mutually receptive listening and amiable discussion replace impatient and snapping arguments. There is a genial pliability in nonessential matters, and when one slips, a generous forgiveness heals the momentary hurt. (p. 59-60)
and later
The final root of suffering in communal life is a lack of what the New Testament calls having “one mind,” or as we now term it, a shared vision about the main issues of life: God, religion, why we exist at all, the principles of morality, the nature of one’s state in life and its obligations, a balanced use of money, chastity, raising of children, what real love is and is not. If spouses or members of consecrated institutes are at odds about these fundamentals, it is no surprise that they are in continual conflict, spoken or unspoken… (p. 81)
and later
Life is far more harmonious and happy among people who readily renounce their egocentrisms. By giving up everything, they gain everything. (p. 99)
This is a good reminder, too: that we do reap some of the rewards of this growth in the present life. When two spouses are selfish, prideful, stubborn, violent, egocentric, rude, lazy, prone to anger, they are just going to fight with each other more often. But when two spouses are selfless, humble, willing to listen, gentle, other-centric, courteous, diligent, and peaceful, they are going to get along much better and have a happier marriage. This seems obvious enough. The more the spouses grow away from the first list and toward the second list in their attitudes and behavior toward one another, their children, and the other people they interact with, the better their relationships will be, and the happier they will be. God literally calls us to quit doing the things on the first list and grow in our ability to do the things on the second list.
We’re often told to quit sinning, even if those sins are fun. Dubay tells us to quit sinning, to quit even our little sins, because that’s how we develop communities of love. Yes, it takes effort to put down the phone and do the dishes when it’s your turn to do dishes, and doing dishes is not always the most enjoyable thing. And it’s not a mortal sin to skip the dishes. But if it’s your turn to do dishes, do them, and your spouse is less likely to be annoyed, and the two of you are less likely to argue over it, and you’re more likely to enjoy a pleasant evening.
It’s not complicated, but some of us need a kick in the pants (and some more specific guidance), and that’s what Dubay gives us in this book.
I was just thinking about how my husband and I have a “shared vision about the main issues in life.” That shared vision (getting each other and our children to Heaven) keeps us focused on what matters and helps us let go of what doesn’t matter. Though our life isn’t perfect, we’re genuinely happy and content. Life always seems to go better when we do things God’s way.